Faith and Doubt

I have never understood those people with the bumper sticker on their car proclaiming “In Case Of Rapture This Car Will Be Unmanned.” I’ve never had the courage to proclaim that I can know God’s will for me or for anyone else.

I am a Christian. So, what does that mean exactly? That I am a perfect person? That I always treat people correctly? That I volunteer tons of time to charity? That I go to church every Sunday and Wednesday (or in the case of where I live, every Friday and Tuesday). Well, no. And I’m currently encountering a crisis of faith. I truly thought that God sent me to Abu Dhabi to do His work. But,l now I’m unsure of why I’m here, what I’m supposed to be doing, or even if God is the one who sent me here.

And I know that we Christians aren’t perfect. And any Christian who is honest with themselves and with others understands that, above all, they are sinners. In the Biblical verse 1 Timothy 1:15, Paul states rather emphatically that "…Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief." And there’s the rub. I AM a sinner. Of that there can be no doubt. I curse, despite my best efforts not to, taking the Lord’s name in vain. I certainly have a habit of ignoring the Sabbath, despite the fact that I love the liturgy of the Eucharist (for my Baptist friends out there that’s the Lord’s Supper service). I have certainly stolen on occasion, and I still covet. BUT, I am sure of one thing. Jesus is my savior, and through Him I can meet him after my time on Earth.

I’ve heard that to be a Christian means never having to say you’re sorry. I have to disagree, as least in the sense that BECOMING a Christian means having to look back on all your sins, wrongs, misdeeds, and even attitude, and realizing that you could have found peace, strength, love, kindness, forgiveness, and all those things that can give you peace a long time ago. It took me 48 years to figure it out.

But, right now, I’m confused and frightened. I came here to the United Arab Emirates capitol with the intent to do all I did for the glory of God. And I’m afraid I’m failing. Now I spoke with the rector at church and I tearfully asked for his prayers and guidance. I had a good cry. I think I understand Pope Francis’ desire for prayers.

The rector recommended that I, like Gideon, ask God for a sign. I’m seriously contemplating this, praying a bunch, but I feel that I would be challenging, testing God, and that scares me like you wouldn’t believe. Even so, I’m having difficulty coming up with a definitive request that wouldn’t be insulting or demeaning to the greatest being in the universe! Gideon asked for two signs from God: to wake up with the fleece he laid out to be wet and the ground dry (he wrung out a flask of water from the fleece), and then to have the fleece dry the next morning with the ground wet from dew. With these two signs he was sure God did in fact want him to perform the task of war and completely destroy Israel’s enemies.

And I guess that’s the issue. I’m not here to destroy an enemy, as far as I can tell. I’m here to work on helicopters and to do my work and live my life for God’s glory. How does that possibly equate to Gideon’s task? How does my problem possibly equate to Gideon’s doubts? My greatest concern is that I fail in the task God has given me. But moreso, I’m more concerned that I’ll fail to know and understand what the task is that God has given me.

I’m frightened and I’m scared that I’m not on His path. I also want to be that good son, and that good father, and that good husband, and brother, and uncle. And I definitely want to do the work that God wants me to do.

But, then again, maybe this is all a part of having faith. A need to question one’s faith, to ask the questions that will strengthen one’s faith and one’s knowledge of the Lord and His word.

I pray so.