Parental Pride

I'm a parent. My son Ian is a truly unique individual who makes me proud.

Ian has struggled through his young life, especially in school, and it has been a great frustration to his parnets and other family. A great deal of it has been poor parenting on my part, and errors on his. And without a doubt, the local school district can take a lot of blame.

The first real indication of problems was when he was in first grade. I was at work and got a call from the school saying Ian had been in a fight with three second graders. I asked why nothing had been done after the first fight? The answer was that there had been only one fight, and that he had hurt the other three boys (broken nose, sprained anothers arm, and had injured the other in some way I don't recall). I was amazed, to say the least.

"So, you're telling me that my son beat up three older boys at the same time?"
"Yes, Mr. Baird."

Thus began ten years of counseling, IEP conferences, talks with counselors, psychiatric evaluations, et al. I recall the elementary school principal saying, "We to find a way for Ian to redirect his anger." And frustratingly, it seemed that the counselors were constantly pushing for we parents to find the solution, despite our current and past efforts, and despite the fact that they had the Masters Degrees in Early Childhood Everything.

Now, I had never been a good fighter, often being the loser of the few fights I got into. So, I was amazed. I had told Ian years earlier that he should never, EVER, start a fight. But should anyone ever start one with him, make sure he ended it. He took it to heart. But, what I didn't find out till nearly a decade later was that Ian FINALLY told me why he fought.

The first fight with the three second graders was caused by racism. Ian and his schoolmates were at recess, when he stepped around a corner of the school building and saw a young black boy cornered by three white boys. He knew none of them except for the fact that he had seen them at school.

"Hey ya'll. Whatcha doin'?"
"We're gonna kick this nigger's ass."
"Why?" asked Ian.
"'Cuz he's a nigger," came the reply.
Ian stepped between the three and their victim and told them emphatically that the would have to get through him first. They tried. They failed and he ended up hurting all three. He was reported for fighting and told that it was bad to fight. So, by the time we parents were able to speak to him, all he did was shrug his shoulders when asked why he was fighting.

Later, in the third grade he smashed a kid's head into a desktop. It was about eight years later, at the same time he explained the first grade fight, that he told me that he was defending a young classmate from a bully.

Typically, a bully was picking on a girl. The girl did all the things she was supposed to do, going to her teacher, then the principal, parents, etc. And typically, all that was done was to tell the children that "You have to find a way to get along with each other." Of course, all that did was to empower the bully.

One day, the boy was picking on the girl and Ian told the boy to leave her alone, or Ian "would deal with" the boy his self. When the boy continued to pick on the girl, Ian dealt with him.

In both cases my son was suspended from school.

I was amazed that a boy, just six years old, had the wherewithal and the sense of justice to decide to step in front of three white boys to defend a single black child he didn't know. I'm proud that he stood up for a girl who couldn't stand up for herself.

Nevertheless, the actions of the school and myself as his father affected my son greatly. For a decade I did not understand my son's "anger," when in reality it was justifiable outrage at injustice. How could I not be proud of that?

My great regret is my inability to understand this. I'm half-a-century-plus in age, and I realize that I still don't have the insight I need to truly be the father I wanted and want to be.

But, I also know that I'm proud of my son, and that he is an amazing young man.

And I wish that I had the sense of honor, courage and justice that my son has.