A Prediction of Evil

When it comes to the Democratic Party of the USA, I am a virulent cynic. Their past three presidential candidates (Bill Clinton, John Kerry and Barack Obama) would never be able to pass a standard US Government security investigation in order to hold a government job. And this is also true of many of their Federal office-holders in both houses of Congress.

Now they have nominated Barack Obama, who his so far to the left that his views line up as more socialist than the one Socialist member of Congress! I’m not kidding – this has been documented but totally ignored by the media. Frighteningly, they have been making huge attempts to convince us that this man is a moderate, middle-of-the-road politician! And the US media is lining right up behind this claptrap. It is truly amazing.

Ironically, he defeated a candidate whose sole claim to fame is the blatant attempt to nationalize and socialize one-seventh of the American economy. Hillary Clinton’s aborted attempt to take over American medical practice is still her dream. Unfortunately, the cabal of she and her husband still hold great sway over the Democratic Party, despite the overwhelming evidence of their self-centered and evil ways.

So, it was with much trepidation that I read that the Democrat’s Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden will drop out and that he will be replaced by Hillary Clinton. Of course, this would be a violent knee-jerk reaction to the nomination of Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin. This is a frightening prospect, though, considering the fate of many of the Clinton’s political foes, and even friends.

With this in mind:

- If Joe Biden drops out;
- If Hillary Clinton replaces Joe Biden;
- If Obama-Clinton win the November election;
- And if they are sworn in:

I believe that Barack Obama will be dead before the end of his first (and only) term and that Hillary Clinton will become president in accordance with Constitutional succession.

Mark these words.

The Queen has Called us Back!

I have a fine friend in the north of England who has a wonderful, Christian sense of humor. I’ve played Rugby with him and he is a good man with a fine, traditional family. He sent me the following, soliciting my comments. Below are the message and my reply interspersed. I enjoyed this so much that I decided to share. Enjoy:

Message to the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your acute failure in recent years to nominate even slightly competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus having the ability to govern yourselves, current Presidential candidates included, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of Independence, effective immediately.

That would be perfectly fine, IF you think you can do any better than you have in the American Colonies, Africa, India-Pakistan-Afghanistan-et al, Ireland, The Falklands, and of course, Scotland.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, districts and territories (except California, which Her Majesty does not fancy).

Honestly, nor do we. Do what you will with San Francisco and L.A. We’ll keep San Diego, if you please.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor General of America without the need for further elections.

Just like it was when we WERE still colonies, right?

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded and replaced with the Chamber of Commons, which is much more appropriate considering the IQ of the majority of contestants on the Jerry Springer show.

Will he or The Queen also ban the Jerry Springer Show? Please? Pretty please? Pretty, pretty please, with sugar on top?

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. Look up "questionnaire" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

You mean those dusty brown books that you find back in the corner of the reference shelves in libraries?

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. American Heritage dictionary is banned. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

See previous statement above.

1a. Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrong you have been pronouncing it.

But, it is PROPERLY spelled with but one (1) 'i'. Use what we call “phonics.”

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'honour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated.

OK, but for what good reason. We threw out those letters because they had no use. Kind of like what we did with the Crown (See 'War for Independence - 1775-1783'). Oh, and might as well get rid of '-ate' while you're at it. Oh, and we only throw out slightly more than a third of ‘donut’s’ letters. Can we keep our math? You liked it enough to go to decimals for your money years ago.

2a. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to Junior High School levels (look up 'vocabulary'). You will be required within 3 months to sit a written English exam, personally, by yourself, on your own, with no help. If you fail you will be deported to Mexico. A fleet of buses stretching 320Km has been assembled in San Diego.

Sorry about that, but all our English pretty much evolved from the Scots and Irish you didn't like and threw our way, and perhaps half of Yorkshire. Throw in all the Africans you shipped here in order to prop up the English and Colonial economies and you see the language problem you left us. And that would be 199 miles, correct? I thought you still used the imperial method, not having bowed down the 'perfect' French system of measure. Dang those French.

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" and "not" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

Sounds bloody good, and no bloody shite, eh mate? Bloody good!

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. This will be replaced by RI day, today!

While you're at it, do you think we could eliminate all those ridiculous abbreviations and spell out everything, like "Revocation of Independence?"

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Whatever. It still beats having a socialist/fascist government make all my decisions. Although, if we made all our lawyers wear powdered wigs, we probably wouldn't have that many, either. As for therapists, I’ve been unable to trust them since I realized that it’s spelled the same as ‘the rapists.”

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a plastic vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

Then that means I'll have to endure a huge rise in violent crime, just as had occurred in GB? I'll just have to be a criminal. May God bless our Constitution and its attendant 2nd Amendment. An armed populace is Citizens. An unarmed populace is subjects. Oops, sorry. That is the point, right? What with the monarchy and all?

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

Outside of Monty Python and Benny Hill, I didn't realize the English had any humor (American spelling!)

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will also adopt UK taxes. Get used to that too. And you will be taxed heavily if you live more than 10kms from your place of employment. So there! Don't expect any sympathy for being the all-time greatest wasters!

We're almost there on petrol, hah! As with taxes, that means we'll ALL be poor and if we want to be able to buy our own homes we'll have to take five years of our lives, move to some armpit of a country in order to be able to move back and buy it. Damn. As for all-time great wasters, I find it interesting that we Americans, with four (4) percent of the World's population, use 24% of the Earth's energy in order to produce 26% of the world's wealth. That over an 800% return on human capital, and over 8% return on financial capital. So there!

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with catsup, but with salt & vinegar.

Now this I can live with. I've never been a big fan of catsup/ketchup. FYI, look up the Mt. Horeb Mustard Museum online.

10. The cold tasteless piss you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, only Guinness will be referred to as draught, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine and Weasel's Pee. This decree so that all beers can be sold without risk of further confusion.

OK, but realize that Budweiser is STILL the WORLD's best selling beer, with about 40% of the market. That's a 1000% return on human capital. So there, again!

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

Hollywood? I've seen English flicks do a fair job of mutilating the Scottish inflection, and do a fair job of mutilating logic, but I digress.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). However, we suggest you don't try Rugby until well educated - the Kiwis and South Africans will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

As for football, personally I've never considered soccer football to be a proper anything. Why have arms if you can't use them? We know where I stand on the greatest sport ever to be produced by mankind - Rugby. 'Nuff said! By the way, the US is still the reigning Olympic Rugby champions, and we destroyed the in 1928 French (in Paris, mind you) to do that.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It will be replaced with 'rounders'. (look up 'rounders'). It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn Cricket. You will also study Geography. Your 2nd written test will be to list all of the Capital Cities of each country, personally. If you fail you will be deported to Mexico. Another fleet of buses stretching 1320Km has been assembled in San Antonio.

When 'rounders' can become an Olympic sport, then surely we could consider it, kinda like team handball, y'know. Cricket? That might be acceptable, but only if beer is involved. I can't argue the geography thing. But then we have never tried to rule the whole of the world for God and King through force of arms, and so never needed to know where Queen Maud Land is or was, or if it ever actually existed. But if you must, I would suggest additional busses on the end of that 820 mile long queue.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK.....and who blew up the WT Towers.....and what happened to all the gold in the basement of Building 7?

There you go with the initials and abbreviations again. OK, but we’ll trade the World Trade Towers if you tell us who killed Diana. As for the WT Towers: probably some guys whose history had some British influence. Also: Gold? What gold? There was no gold. I swear it!

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Kinda like those pagans in ancient Rome, eh? Render unto Caesar, oops, I mean the Crown.

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers, and never mugs, with high quality chocolate biscuits (cookies), scones (biscuits) and cream cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

OK, being as that we an overweight nation and all, we can probably live with this. BUT, you will have to shut down all the McDonalds, KFC and Pizza Hut restaurants currently operating in GB and its dependencies, if there are any others left outside of random denuded, overly militarized islands in the middle of some unknown sea.

God save the Queen

And may God bless America. I would never assume the God has blessed America or the Queen. It's a Protestant, American, God-fearin' thing.

Evidence We Won Iraq

Four months into my tour at Qayyarrah-West, Iraq, about January 2005, I wrote this. It seemed appropriate at the time and it still does. It started one night during our tour when my colleagues and I were discussing a variety of things before one of our seemingly never-ceasing meetings. We were discussing home, the war and our jobs, both in the military and in civilian life. We also were “smokin’ and jokin’,” just laughing, and enjoying good company. It’s really amazing what a soldier can find that will amuse him or her in a war zone. Some of the most mundane things will bring howls of laughter in the proper, and sometimes improper, context.

Of course we discussed this war, “Our War” if you will, and how long America will be in Iraq. Opinions range from two years to “till forever.” Of course, we can’t and won’t know when we will leave until it actually occurs. We won the Gulf War and we’re still in Kuwait, though we have left Saudi Arabia.

We’ve also won three wars in Europe over the past ninety years (World Wars I and II, and the Cold War) and we’re still there. It’s the same in Japan and Korea, of course. Promises or assurances when it comes to war and politics are normally useless. Most of us understand this. America was assured by President Clinton that we would be out of Bosnia-Herzegovina within a year. That was in the middle of the last decade and we just pulled the last of our peacekeeping “Implementation” and “Stabilization” forces out of that nation about ten years later. There isn’t a soldier alive then that didn’t know that those words were a pure, unadulterated lie. And we have troops just a few miles south of there in Kosovo still today.

Well, all this got me to thinking. Occasionally soldiers do that, you know. I decided that as a public service it might be good to let you know how to tell when “Our War” is over.
So, in keeping with the craze pioneered by late-night television host David Letterman, I present to you a list of “The Top Ten Ways to Know the Iraq War Has Been Won” in descending order from 10:

10. Your neighbor’s son (or daughter) returns home from Iraq with an Iraqi bride (or husband);

9. The Iraqi Liberal Democratic Party accuses the Iraqi Conservative Party of wanting to make the old people of Iraq eat pork and send their retirement funds to New World corporations because of proposed changes to Iraqi pension laws;

8. The political spending of the Iraqi presidential elections, run by American experts hired from inside The Beltway by Iraqi political parties, is being compared to the spending in California gubernatorial elections;

7. Iraqis protest the impending departure of American troops and bases from their towns, and form committees to go to Washington to lobby the latest Base Realignment and Closure (BRAC) commission, Congress, the Pentagon and the President;

6. Your new state-of-the-art laser satellite receiver/gaming box/movie cube/television combo was manufactured in Fallujah, Iraq, deep in the heart of the Sunni Triangle;

5. Iraq’s leading retailer is Wal-Mart;

4. Iraq’s biggest new hip-hop group, Hezbollah’s Hellions, hit number one on the Billboard pop chart in the US;

3. American labor unions lobby Congress for protection from cheap Iraqi imports;

2. Hooters announces the opening of their new Baghdad restaurant;

And the number 1 way that Americans will know when we’ve won the Iraq War:

1. Teams of Iraqi lawyers arrive at the 9th Circuit Federal District Court in San Francisco and at The World Court in The Hague, Netherlands ready to file suit against the United States Department of Defense for damages incurred during Desert Shield, Desert Storm, and The Iraq War.

Again, America will have freed the oppressed.

Why I'm A Rugger

I’m a rugger. I’ve been one for thirty years now. For those of you unaware, a rugger is a rugby player. I’ve been hooked since my first match in 1978 at Mississippi State University and have never looked back. I have learned much more in Rugby about sportsmanship and honor than I ever learned in baseball, track, football (all of which I played in high school and in recreation) and all other sports I’ve played. Rugby taught me respect for my opposition, and what goes on the pitch (or playing field) stays there.

I continue to learn. Two recent incidents have taught me just how great this sport truly is.

In April, the managing organization of the high school club that I founded and coached, Lugoff-Elgin Rugby Football Club (RFC), released me as their head coach. When I moved to get the parents to form the managing group, it was my intent to ensure that the player’s parents had full control of the club of which their kids were members. While I was upset at my release, I continued to follow the club through its final two matches because it was ‘my’ club and because my son, Ian, played.

Before ‘my’ club’s final match of the year, I volunteered as a match official for another match as a touch judge, and ran touch for that playoff match. The match was well played, but the losing side, a very new club who had yet to understand all that was involved in the sport, came off the field very upset. I made an effort to calm the situation and the team captain mocked me and made somewhat vulgar motions toward me. To my eternal shame and horror, I struck him on his neck with my touch flags.

To this day I don’t know what or why it occurred. I just know that it did. I will regret it till I die. The Palmetto Rugby Union promptly suspended me for a minimum of eight months from any and all activity with Rugby, outside of being a spectator, and placed on me a lifetime suspension from youth Rugby. I applaud their decision. It was clearly the right one and I fully support the decision that was fully vetted by PRU president Bill Bell, South Carolina High School Rugby commissioner Jeff Smolka, and PRU/SCHSR disciplinary chair John Myers. It was undoubtedly the right decision.

I know fully that if I had been a coach for football, soccer, lacrosse, baseball, or any other sport out there, I would likely have received a minor rebuke and perhaps a suspension of two or three games. This would have been likely much less had I been involved with a winning team of any of those sports, such is the state of sports in America today. Nevertheless, I know that USA Rugby is where I still want my sporting dollar to go, because despite my regret and anger at what occurred, the correct decision was rendered.

Then, less than two weeks ago, one of my young ruggers – one of my first in fact – died in a very tragic accident. The team had thrown a surprise party at a lake to send off one of their teammates who was entering the US Navy. There was adult supervision and, like the fine men and women they were, they had no alcohol or anything else that they weren’t supposed to have. The young victim, Tyler Austin Narr, rode there with Ian to the celebration and was quite excited as he had been unable to play any sports due to a severe knee injury, and some attendant complications.

During the party many of the ruggers went swimming, as did Tyler. He suddenly went under in full view of many people and never resurfaced. Ruggers and many others nearby attempted to find him, but couldn’t. It was a diver who recovered him some time later that day. It was a traumatic and tragic day for all involved, obviously.

He was a wonderful young man, who had just returned to high school for his junior year. He played football, wrestled, lifted weights competitively, and played Rugby, all while maintaining a ‘B’ average. And he was the spitting image of Scooby-Doo’s Shaggy.

He so loved Rugby that his mom asked the team to act as pall bearers. The funeral was packed. The team wore slacks and their club jerseys. Some of the football team acted as honorary pall bearers. And, showing all what Rugby is truly about, opposing players from another club, Sumter RFC, also showed up wearing their jerseys, all to honor a fellow rugger. It was a wonderful and touching tribute, and a credit to their coach John Etheridge.

This, all this, along with many other things, is why Rugby is my sport. It will always be. And while I clearly have regrets, two of which are very recent, I will never regret that I was, am, and will always be a rugger.