I have a fine friend in the north of England who has a wonderful, Christian sense of humor. I’ve played Rugby with him and he is a good man with a fine, traditional family. He sent me the following, soliciting my comments. Below are the message and my reply interspersed. I enjoyed this so much that I decided to share. Enjoy:
Message to the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your acute failure in recent years to nominate even slightly competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus having the ability to govern yourselves, current Presidential candidates included, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of Independence, effective immediately.
That would be perfectly fine, IF you think you can do any better than you have in the American Colonies, Africa, India-Pakistan-Afghanistan-et al, Ireland, The Falklands, and of course, Scotland.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, districts and territories (except California, which Her Majesty does not fancy).
Honestly, nor do we. Do what you will with San Francisco and L.A. We’ll keep San Diego, if you please.
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor General of America without the need for further elections.
Just like it was when we WERE still colonies, right?
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded and replaced with the Chamber of Commons, which is much more appropriate considering the IQ of the majority of contestants on the Jerry Springer show.
Will he or The Queen also ban the Jerry Springer Show? Please? Pretty please? Pretty, pretty please, with sugar on top?
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. Look up "questionnaire" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
You mean those dusty brown books that you find back in the corner of the reference shelves in libraries?
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. American Heritage dictionary is banned. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
See previous statement above.
1a. Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrong you have been pronouncing it.
But, it is PROPERLY spelled with but one (1) 'i'. Use what we call “phonics.”
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'honour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated.
OK, but for what good reason. We threw out those letters because they had no use. Kind of like what we did with the Crown (See 'War for Independence - 1775-1783'). Oh, and might as well get rid of '-ate' while you're at it. Oh, and we only throw out slightly more than a third of ‘donut’s’ letters. Can we keep our math? You liked it enough to go to decimals for your money years ago.
2a. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to Junior High School levels (look up 'vocabulary'). You will be required within 3 months to sit a written English exam, personally, by yourself, on your own, with no help. If you fail you will be deported to Mexico. A fleet of buses stretching 320Km has been assembled in San Diego.
Sorry about that, but all our English pretty much evolved from the Scots and Irish you didn't like and threw our way, and perhaps half of Yorkshire. Throw in all the Africans you shipped here in order to prop up the English and Colonial economies and you see the language problem you left us. And that would be 199 miles, correct? I thought you still used the imperial method, not having bowed down the 'perfect' French system of measure. Dang those French.
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" and "not" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
Sounds bloody good, and no bloody shite, eh mate? Bloody good!
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. This will be replaced by RI day, today!
While you're at it, do you think we could eliminate all those ridiculous abbreviations and spell out everything, like "Revocation of Independence?"
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Whatever. It still beats having a socialist/fascist government make all my decisions. Although, if we made all our lawyers wear powdered wigs, we probably wouldn't have that many, either. As for therapists, I’ve been unable to trust them since I realized that it’s spelled the same as ‘the rapists.”
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a plastic vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
Then that means I'll have to endure a huge rise in violent crime, just as had occurred in GB? I'll just have to be a criminal. May God bless our Constitution and its attendant 2nd Amendment. An armed populace is Citizens. An unarmed populace is subjects. Oops, sorry. That is the point, right? What with the monarchy and all?
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
Outside of Monty Python and Benny Hill, I didn't realize the English had any humor (American spelling!)
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will also adopt UK taxes. Get used to that too. And you will be taxed heavily if you live more than 10kms from your place of employment. So there! Don't expect any sympathy for being the all-time greatest wasters!
We're almost there on petrol, hah! As with taxes, that means we'll ALL be poor and if we want to be able to buy our own homes we'll have to take five years of our lives, move to some armpit of a country in order to be able to move back and buy it. Damn. As for all-time great wasters, I find it interesting that we Americans, with four (4) percent of the World's population, use 24% of the Earth's energy in order to produce 26% of the world's wealth. That over an 800% return on human capital, and over 8% return on financial capital. So there!
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with catsup, but with salt & vinegar.
Now this I can live with. I've never been a big fan of catsup/ketchup. FYI, look up the Mt. Horeb Mustard Museum online.
10. The cold tasteless piss you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, only Guinness will be referred to as draught, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine and Weasel's Pee. This decree so that all beers can be sold without risk of further confusion.
OK, but realize that Budweiser is STILL the WORLD's best selling beer, with about 40% of the market. That's a 1000% return on human capital. So there, again!
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
Hollywood? I've seen English flicks do a fair job of mutilating the Scottish inflection, and do a fair job of mutilating logic, but I digress.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). However, we suggest you don't try Rugby until well educated - the Kiwis and South Africans will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
As for football, personally I've never considered soccer football to be a proper anything. Why have arms if you can't use them? We know where I stand on the greatest sport ever to be produced by mankind - Rugby. 'Nuff said! By the way, the US is still the reigning Olympic Rugby champions, and we destroyed the in 1928 French (in Paris, mind you) to do that.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It will be replaced with 'rounders'. (look up 'rounders'). It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn Cricket. You will also study Geography. Your 2nd written test will be to list all of the Capital Cities of each country, personally. If you fail you will be deported to Mexico. Another fleet of buses stretching 1320Km has been assembled in San Antonio.
When 'rounders' can become an Olympic sport, then surely we could consider it, kinda like team handball, y'know. Cricket? That might be acceptable, but only if beer is involved. I can't argue the geography thing. But then we have never tried to rule the whole of the world for God and King through force of arms, and so never needed to know where Queen Maud Land is or was, or if it ever actually existed. But if you must, I would suggest additional busses on the end of that 820 mile long queue.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK.....and who blew up the WT Towers.....and what happened to all the gold in the basement of Building 7?
There you go with the initials and abbreviations again. OK, but we’ll trade the World Trade Towers if you tell us who killed Diana. As for the WT Towers: probably some guys whose history had some British influence. Also: Gold? What gold? There was no gold. I swear it!
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Kinda like those pagans in ancient Rome, eh? Render unto Caesar, oops, I mean the Crown.
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers, and never mugs, with high quality chocolate biscuits (cookies), scones (biscuits) and cream cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
OK, being as that we an overweight nation and all, we can probably live with this. BUT, you will have to shut down all the McDonalds, KFC and Pizza Hut restaurants currently operating in GB and its dependencies, if there are any others left outside of random denuded, overly militarized islands in the middle of some unknown sea.
God save the Queen
And may God bless America. I would never assume the God has blessed America or the Queen. It's a Protestant, American, God-fearin' thing.
What is an EXTREMIST?
8 years ago
